Category: blog

Who Am I Now?

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By Peter Gibb

“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”
– Albert Einstein

What Appeared to be Happening:

Boxes and packing tape cluttered every room; furniture piled high in the garage; dumpsters popped up in the driveway; real estate agents nodded and departed. Wendy and I were moving to a retirement community.

I knew I was leaving a physical house behind. More importantly, but less obvious, was that I was leaving a self behind, my self. Career, family, home, friends – my known world – disappeared like the mental mirage it had been. My decades-long achievement-oriented self surrendered to a new … a new what?

What was really happening:

I woke up to THE question, “Who am I now?”

No notice was pinned on the door, but I was entering a new phase of life, commonly referred to as “getting old.” But I didn’t want to get old. So I resisted.

At the retirement center, I made friends and got involved in activities. I filled up my time. Wendy had been diagnosed with Advanced Alzheimers, so I was also a full-time caregiver. I crawled into bed at night, exhausted and numb. Was this what I had worked so hard for? I pondered. I’ve raised a family, been reasonably successful professionally, contributed to a good marriage, built enough wealth to retire moderately. Something was missing. Who am I now? A blinding flash of the obvious cracked me open like a nouveau Humpty Dumpty: life was no longer about proving anything. It was time to focus on what feeds my soul. Less about convincing others, more about listening, to them and to myself. Less about doing, more about being. Time to take stock.

A New Path Emerges:

Happy day! It dawned on me: this is my chance to age gracefully. My only chance. I want to live fully, keep growing, express myself, and connect with others. How best to do this? At the retirement center, I was surrounded by fellow agers, some aging gracefully, some less so. Those in Group B shuffled around as if aging were a downward spiral, one way traffic, headed to the dreaded “D” word. Group B saw themselves as victims. They despaired of hope and spent their time and energy moaning about their unfair loss of physical and mental functioning. Group A, by contrast, many of them with equally serious cognitive or physical challenges, viewed the aging process as an opportunity to live, grow, connect, and serve. They acknowledged the impending

loss of function, but they held hope high, saw aging as a path still full of surprises, changing relationships and insights, an opportunity for continued joy and growth.

I sign up for Group A. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I am here for life. I mean “life!” – until the end: a full life of joy and love, of exploration and discovery. I intend to make my years of aging, however many or few they may be, into a pathway of growth, to expand my awareness, to learn from those around me, and to play like a child surrounded by new toys, so that when the time comes to say goodbye, I will be well used up and ready to go. I will live with an attitude of gratitude.

What I Notice:

When I open my heart wide, I am at my best. If I live each day for love, I will be ready when the time comes to say goodbye. I have ups and downs, but my life is grounded in purpose and a sense of connection. I don’t view aging as something to fight. Aging is part of the miraculous gift of life. Every day is an opportunity for growth, love, and exploration. I live with an attitude of gratitude.

Not to deny that there are big challenges too. I worry about finances. Wendy has moved into Memory Care, very expensive. My joints ache. I have a hard time remembering names. I get up often to pee in the night, then can’t get back to sleep. I sometimes hear voices that aren’t there, too often miss voices that are. My energy is not what it once was. I have to learn how to let go.

My new orientation is less about fear and doubt and more about flow; less about getting somewhere and more about being here, now; less about satisfying the ego, more about strengthening the connection to my soul. I am a wheel, and this awareness is the hub. The wheel must turn, cover rocky ground, not get stuck in the mud.

So, how specifically should I take my wheel on the road?

Curiosity, Compassion and Letting Go

I pay attention to my friends in Group A. The ones I admire most have learned to let go, to practice curiosity and compassion.

Curious people thrive on listening well and asking simple, naive questions. Curiosity creates an aura of wisdom, but Group A may not be any wiser than others. They are simply curious. Group B’ers are so busy giving unwanted advice and telling their own stories, they don’t have time to listen. Listening with curiosity means listening with the ears of the heart, listening for thoughts and feelings, both spoken and unspoken. I’m unsure whether listening gives rise to compassion or results from it. Perhaps both.

Curious people don’t waste time trying to convince others of their superiority. Rather than giving unwanted advice, they open the way to exploration and discovery. They are a window, not a wall. Curious people say things like, “I wonder …” and “What if …”. Or “How did you feel about that?” And “What else have you considered?”

Curiosity is my doorway to wonder. But challenges persist. Loss, fear, and frustration knock at my door. I try to welcome them. I practice mindful breathing. Breathe in, accept; breathe out, let it go. Breathe in; breathe out. Accept, Let go. Accept, Let go. Mindful breathing requires intention and practice. Graceful aging has a lot to do with letting go.

Curiosity and Love go together like the ocean and the beach. Both spring naturally from an open heart. Curiosity washes across me like waves, creating a soft, sandy beach. That beach, the product of my open heart, guides me to love both myself and others. When I open my heart to be more curious about someone, almost invariably I end up caring more for them. I reveal more of myself. I recognize my own foibles in another. I learn about me, about you, about us. I grow and discover what feeds my soul. Curiosity and love, joined at the hip – perhaps that’s wisdom!?

Aging Gracefully

And so I emerge as a new self, an aging being, a loving being, one who is growing and expressing myself more fully, and more open-heartedly. Waves wash away my resistance. Fears, when they appear, are less ferocious; faith is solid. There are challenges, but I am strong. I am curious and I am compassionate, opening my heart, learning to let go. I am human. I am whole.

I am aging, gracefully, lovingly, on purpose. That’s my plan. What’s yours?

Peter Gibb is the author of two books, King of Doubt and Mindful Conversation. He is currently working on a new offering, Love: Never too Late. Reach him at pgibb@ashlandhome.net

We Are Made for These Times

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By Marilyn Loy Every, DMin, CSL

It was November last year that I was in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. I awoke to the harsh reality, as I saw through my eyes, of these times we are living in. My rose-colored glasses had shattered overnight; illusion died that morning. I simply did not know how to navigate through the uncertainty we faced around the world. I did not know how to move through change, loss, disruption, and raw disappointment.

I set out for a long walk in the brisk air that morning. I walked along the cliffs flanking the Strait of Juan de Fuca, and out on the jetty with sea air in my face. Eventually, I arrived at the Monroe Bookstore in downtown Victoria. In my solemn longing, a book jumped off the shelf into my hands—We Were Made for These Times by Kaira Jewel Lingo, a Buddhist nun who trained with Thich Nhat Hanh. Though a short read, the book changed me that day. The concept that you and I are made for these times continues to amaze me every day and bring me hope through shadows of what Matthew Fox, an American priest, theologian and author, names as ecocide, racism, patriarchy, illusion, and despair.

This brings me to ponder our human journey here on Earth. We are not just participants at this moment in time. We indeed are the culmination of a 13.8-billion-year journey, from the birth of the universe to this moment. We are part of something unimaginably vast—and intimately connected. In all the chaos and uncertainty in our world today, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, wondering whether we are equipped for the times we are living in, and what we can possibly add to the welfare of the world.

We truly are living proof of the “union of miracles” that resulted in our existence in the first place. So, considering that your and my life are miracles, it is essential for us to also consider how to best navigate these unprecedented times. In my own search, I looked for novel spiritual practices that would give me hope, inspiration, encouragement, and strength. I discovered helpful suggestions in Lingo’s writing that provided life-affirming support in carrying forward.

Coming Home to Ourselves

In times of upheaval, our first refuge is within. Coming home to ourselves means pausing the noise of the world and turning inward to reconnect with our breath, our body, and the stillness beneath the storm. This is the place where truth lives— not as an idea, but as an embodied experience. In our “home within,” we find our ground and comfort.

Trusting the Unknown

Change often dismantles the familiar and leaves us standing “stark in the dark.” To trust the unknown is not to pretend we are unafraid, but to walk forward anyway—open-hearted, alert, and attuned to our intuition. Trust means recognizing that while we may not know what lies ahead, life has always held us. The same intelligence that births galaxies and turns seeds into trees is moving in our lives, too.

Accepting What Is

Acceptance of our situation at any moment is not resignation. It is the willingness to see life as it is without resistance. When we accept what is, we stop struggling against reality and begin to move with it. It allows us to set aside our “cherished beliefs” that things should be different. It is from this place of grace and honesty that real transformation can begin.

Loving Ourselves Through Uncertainty

Uncertainty is precisely the time when we most need our own kindness. To love ourselves through uncertainty is to be gentle with our inner experience, to soothe the parts that fear and ache. It is a radical act of self-compassion grounded in love, allowing resilience to grow.

Caring for Strong Emotions

Anger, grief, and anxiety are not problems to fix, but messengers to tend. When we care for our emotions instead of denying or suppressing them, they begin to soften and settle. We can breathe into the storm, name what we feel, and let it move through us. With care, even the strongest emotion becomes a doorway to healing and deeper wisdom.

Realizing Realities of Impermanence

Understanding that everything changes is the most difficult and yet most liberating truth of our existence. When we realize impermanence, we begin to hold life a little lighter. We cherish peace, success, and relationships while they are here, and grieve losses knowing they were never meant to last. We do not cling, but we lean into change—understanding whatever our circumstance is, it too will pass.

Mirroring Compassion

One of the most powerful spiritual practices we can engage in is mirroring compassion. This means learning to reflect to ourselves the same gentleness, understanding, and care that we would offer someone we deeply love. Remember this simple truth: every one of us is walking through life with invisible burdens—grief that is unspoken, fears that are masked, struggles that are invisible. What we most need is not self- reproach or advice but loving presence and kindness.

Practicing Equanimity

Equanimity is the spiritual practice that was meaningful for me last November. It involves the practice of remaining calm and centered during chaos. It is not detachment, but it creates balance. To practice equanimity is to cultivate a heart that is steady—holding joy and sorrow, gain and loss, hope and fear. It is the deep stillness that teaches us how and when to act with clarity.

Nurturing Good

Even when the world feels heavy, there is still goodness everywhere. We can choose to notice and nurture good. This may be a small kindness, a simple prayer, or a brave conversation. To amplify the good is to see it, name it, and even create it. In doing so, we become gardeners of the human spirit—planting seeds of light in dark soil.

Believing You Are Made for These Times

Most importantly, it is to believe that you and I are made for these times. It is a truth that our soul already knows. We were shaped by everything that came before us. We carry wisdom in our bones, and we have boundless strength, love and courage yet waiting to be roused. Believing is a choice—to show up, to stay awake, and to participate in the healing of the world, right where we are.

Which of these spiritual practices speak to you most potently at this time when the old world is shaking and the new one is not yet born? It is good to discover new life-affirming ways to support and strengthen yourself. Then, choose once again and yet again how to live your life holistically, and passionately, with clear intentions and focused purpose.

Yes, our world is hurting and calls us for healing. We have never been better prepared to act than we are now. However, it is wise for us to continue tending our own healing along the way, so we continuously are the best version of ourselves as we contribute to the healing of the world. Let us be there for one another in fostering positive outcomes day by day right where we are. Reference: Lingo, Kaira Jewel: We Were Made for These Times. Berkeley, California, Parallax Press, 2021

On Elder Activism

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by John Sorenson

“Houston, we have a problem!” This was the message from three astronauts 52 years ago, as their spacecraft had a life-threatening design failure on its way to the Moon. I was a member of the Apollo engineering team that responded to that call for help. Today, within Elders Action Network (EAN), other concerned elders and I are urgently confronting national issues that include (a) life-threatening climate chaos; (b) growing economic disparity between the richest few and the lower 99%; and (c) democracy-threatening voter suppression and intimidation. These are truly Texas-size problems with cries for help from our younger generations. The following is a brief description of my improbable journey and transition from rocket scientist to one of elder activism, again answering calls for help. 

I was fortunate to have had a fulfilling career as an aerospace engineer, project manager, and business entrepreneur spanning 40+ years. In 2005 it was my time to move on. I was not ready to “retire”, but to do something different, not knowing what that would be. I began my search, realizing vaguely that I wanted to give back for the bountiful life that I had been given. 

To gain clarity and direction as well as to heal old psychic wounds, I went on a series of personal growth retreats. It was the right preliminary action for me to take, for in so doing I developed levels of forgiveness and compassion I previously didn’t have, and I regained my youthful spirit.

One retreat was a long weekend led by Ron Pevny who introduced our group to “conscious elderhood.” During the event, Ron mentioned Theodore Roszak’s book The Making of an Elder Culture. Its message was that young, rebellious men and women of the sixties and seventies had the right ideals about American society being more just and equitable. However, they did not succeed in pursuing those ideals because they had no elders to guide them. Those young have become us old seekers, we have not lost our idealism, and we benefit by having gained some elder wisdom in the intervening years. We could now claim some semblance of elderhood and harness that idealism to transition to a new American reality. But only if we have the heart and will to take it on.  

That message struck a chord. I had done a lot of complaining over the years about the dysfunction of our government and society, why so little meaningful legislation got enacted, and what did get done was often counter to achieving “a more perfect union.” I needed to quit complaining and to do something about it. This would require re-inventing myself, transitioning from being a left-brained engineer, to using more right-brain imagination and heartfelt response to what would come.    

Another retreat was an Animus Valley Institute vision quest in summer 2011. During my solo time, I received the message, “teach leadership.” I interpreted it to mean that I was to demonstrate leadership by guiding a group to take on America’s societal issues.  I had understood that whatever we decided to do would not be small and it would be working with elders. But I was stymied by the enormity of what I was imagining – how could I, with little background in organizational development or this kind of leadership, proceed? I decided to go on another vision quest the following summer.

By pure synchronicity, in December 2012, Charles Lawrence, the very wise co-leader of that second quest was on a project near where I lived. Charles called me asking if I would like to have lunch with him. I jumped at the chance for I needed to relate my still present indecision dilemma and ask for his advice. Charles listened, said I needed to ask a small group of like-minded elders to join and help me see the way forward, that with them, we would form a circle with me in the middle, and Charles would facilitate the process.

I was, throughout this, operating on intuition. I called Ron Pevny, asking if he had colleagues who could help, which he did. By asking others, the following March 2013 six men and six women met to form that circle at a monastery on the Hudson River. Those included my wife Sue, Ron, Charles facilitating, and me asking for help.  It was for all of us an emotional gathering, and from it I got the clear direction I was looking for: Yes, we should begin a movement of elders to boldly take on our society’s serious problems, it would have a spiritual base, I should take the lead in forming it, and those in the circle would back me in the process.  

The following year I sought other elders who would resonate with this vision and would consider being included in forming the response.  Most were not interested, but I was not dissuaded. The result was that in April, 2014, 47 of us, including nine from the Hudson River circle, met at Mercy Center, a convent in Burlingame, CA. We were there, as fellow co-founders, to begin a movement of elders to transition our society to one that is more just, caring, equitable, and in service to life prospering for all future generations. We had a common vision, it would have a spiritual base, but we had few details to what and how it would unfold.

During our gathering, a participant Paul Severance came to me suggesting that we should take on climate change, as that was now seen as a growing threat to humans and all life. He suggested that we go to Washington DC, meet with Members of Congress, express our concerns about the changing climate, and urge them to act. I agreed, and Paul, who was a veteran community organizer, quickly formed what has grown to be known as our “Elders Climate Action” (ECA) group. In September 2015, 85 of us went on our first of several subsequent trips to DC and met with Congress.

Over the seven years since then, we have strived to be “sacred activists” committed to growing in our inner consciousness while taking on one or more forms of outer activism. In our evolution, we adopted the name “Elders Action Network” and the mission “To build a movement of elders to confront the social, environmental and governance issues of our time.” To the ECA action group we have added three others – social justice, regenerative living, and sound democracy. EAN has flourished as a virtual organization reaching well over 20,000 elders nationwide. Each year our activism projects expand, while understanding we still have a long way to go.

I currently serve as co-leader of EAN’s Elders for Sound Democracy action group, which includes forming the Texas elders’ voting rights team. It’s our response to misguided politicians that are intent on replacing our still evolving democracy with a white-supremacist-led autocracy.  

Yes, Houston, we again have another big problem, but we counter with an intrepid group of elders willing to face this and many other societal issues. We strive for the good of our grandchildren and all future generations, and in so doing realize our destiny as being activated elders and good ancestors.  For more information, please check our website www.eldersaction.org

John Sorensen is EAN’s founder. As a youth he heard the aerospace call and followed it for 45 years of engineering design and entrepreneurial experiences. In 2005 John heard another, deeper calling – time to re-invent and dedicate himself to humanitarian service. He uses earlier experiences to fulfill that calling as an elder strategist for social / environmental justice and sound governance. He can be reached at jasoren10@gmail.com

 

Befriending Our Aging Bodies

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by Shanti Mayberry

May your body be blessed.
May you realize that your body is a faithful and beautiful friend of your soul.

—John O’Donohue

Our body is our very best friend whether or not we realize this truth. Like a faithful servant, our body has taken us wherever we wanted to go and sheltered our soul through all the storms of life. It is our dearest companion to the end. Yet we are conditioned to ignore the body’s somatic intelligence and signals of exhaustion and stress in our speed-driven materialist culture that worships cognitive thinking and excessive productivity. But as we age it is vitally important that we heal this mind-body split and lovingly access our body’s wisdom and instinctive healing power in order to restore and maintain our health.

I’ve found that there are three primary steps to befriending our aging bodies and repairing this disconnection between cognitive and somatic (body-centered) awareness. The first is to honor the sacredness of the human body, rather than to regard it as inferior to the thinking mind, an archaic cultural legacy from Rene Descarte’s seventeenth century dictum “I think, therefore I am.”

By contrast, in the Buddhist view the body is considered to be the ‘hard-to-attain’ vehicle of liberation, and human incarnation is seen as a rare gift. For this reason, the Dalai Lama often praises his mother and all women for the great compassionate act of giving birth and hence providing the child with the possibility of enlightenment. So no matter the gender, color, size or shape of our body, we can regard it as a sacred gift and care for it as the temple of spirit.

Secondly, the practice of slowing down and paying attention to what our bodies are trying to convey is essential for healthy sage-aging. Befriending our body means listening and tending to it with compassion as we would to a close friend. We need patience and commitment to cultivate any loving relationship, but especially with our bodies. Here are a few ways we can deepen a sense of valuing and coming home to our body.

  • Become acquainted with the placement and functioning of your internal organ systems.
  • Cultivate inner body awareness of sensations, feelings and energy.
  • Feel how your body is part of Mother Nature’s larger body.
  • Practice a body scan, which is most easily done lying down in a comfortable and cozyposition. As you progressively relax, thank each part of your body, starting with the

    feet and slowly moving up to the head.

  • Learn its language, which may come in the form of pain signals, chronic tensions,anxieties, imbalance or beginnings of illness.

The third step is to turn towards the felt areas of physical or emotional discomfort with kindness and attentive inquiry. This step is the most difficult since we instinctively want to avoid pain, suppress it with pills or override it with distractions or addictive behaviors. Often these distressed areas are places in need of attention and may reveal hidden childhood wounds and suppressed emotions that can heal if accepted and embraced with compassionate awareness. And as Ron Pevny states in his book, Conscious Living, Conscious Aging, the older we get, the less able we are to suppress these trapped emotions. We simply don’t have the energy to keep them pushed down and defended with ego strategies.

Although it’s not possible in this short article to discuss the complexities of trauma healing and recovery, please know that we have all been traumatized and there is no shame in having embedded pain. Many of us did not receive the nurturing or mirroring from caretakers that we needed as infants, young children or teenagers and we coped by creating strategies to survive. These buried wounds are behind many diseases from cancers to auto-immune ailments, according to Dr. Gabor Mate in the book When the Body Says No. They must be compassionately addressed for healing to happen.

Courage, support and understanding are necessary to allow these earlier woundings to surface, but the reward for doing so is great since the frozen energy in the trauma will flow freely again in your system as it releases. And who doesn’t want more energy? That’s the main currency of aging and by doing this inner work your vitality will increase.

One way to gently address the wound is to place your hand on the area where you feel it is held and direct kind attention there, creating a sense of spaciousness around the painful contraction. You could then say something to the body like, “I’m here for you dear, you’re not alone, tell me what you need”, or “it’s going to be okay.” Just that reassurance from your adult self to the younger hurt aspects in your body can generate a sense of internal safety and support and open a communication channel between the cognitive and somatic minds.

By accepting the hurt, allowing it to be seen and receiving its message with kindness, you are opening the space to heal. Sometimes just witnessing the stored pain is sufficient to release it. Occasionally, emotional catharsis or spontaneous movement may be needed, which is why it’s advised to do such deep release work with a therapist or close friend who can offer external comfort, guidance and safety.

I offer my case as an example of how honoring the pain and regarding it as a messenger works to transform it. As a yoga and T’ai Chi instructor, I’ve always been active, fairly fit and flexible, but late one night just after I turned seventy, I slipped on my wooden stairway during a rain storm when I was rushing downstairs. The pain was excruciating, more intense than anything I’d ever experienced. On a scale of 1-10, it was a 20. This spinal and sciatica pain continued for over a year, making it difficult to walk or exercise.

My physical therapist couldn’t suggest much beyond a few therapeutic exercises, except for surgery and shots, telling me I wouldn’t be able to walk or stand for long without an operation. However, I made the choice to trust my body’s innate healing power and forego any surgical intervention.

Instead, I engaged in compassionate dialogue with my back and leg pain and was receptive to any messages from that area. As a result, I was able to release some traumatic memories stored in my back that gradually surfaced. I was also guided to do a series of slow mindful movements which unwound tensions and released blocked energy. The more I accepted and worked with the pain as a teacher, instead of fighting it, the more the pain decreased because it was being seen and heard. As Rumi said, “The cure is in the pain.” A year later I was quite free of pain and could walk and stand easily, which was an amazing testimony to the power of mindful inquiry and self-kindness.

Learning to treat our body as our dearest and closest friend makes the aging process easier. By directing loving awareness and deep listening towards our bodies, we come home to ourselves, allow healing and integration to happen and grow more fully embodied in the here and now. We realize that our body is indeed wise and self-healing and that our human incarnation is truly a precious gift.

Shanti Mayberry HHP, Ph.D., is a Sage Aging mentor, Holistic Health consultant, Somatic Ecotherapist, depth Ecopsychologist and trauma-informed meditation and movement teacher. Co-founder of the integrative health center, Inner Balance Health Group, she works with clients and groups at her office and online. You can contact her at doc.shanti@yahoo.com

Recognition Rites Honoring Elders

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by Tom Pinkson

Some ten years ago I created a process that shifts attitudes about aging and older people to a position of respect and reverence—to a position that mature cultures throughout history have demonstrated by how they valued and had important roles for their elders. While I am no longer offering this program, I am writing about it here in the hopes that it will serve as a model for readers to emulate in your communities. This program offered a unique blend of ancient and contemporary knowledge that is the result of my fifty years of work bridging cultures, traditions, belief systems and peoples. Recognition Rites offers hope and a call to action in a most timely and necessary manner. It is a program that works authentically, integrally and skillfully with the challenges and opportunities for conscious renewal on the Journey of Aging.

Lee’s Story

Lee is a 76 year-old retired engineer, inventor and sailor who went through a Recognition Rite. When he began the program Lee was in deep depression, troubled by his failing body and memory loss. His former prowess and highly developed ability to do, to problem-solve, from which he had derived a lifetime of status, accomplishment, and self-esteem – were no longer working.

The Recognition Rites program led Lee through a workbook series of reflective questions reviewing his life, exploring its crucial turning points, his guiding values, beliefs, goals, coping strategies (especially his spiritual ones), as well as relationship with himself and with his significant others. Through this new perceptual lens he was able to glean previously hidden wisdom-teachings from his life experience. This enabled him to cross a transition bridge from his previous means of deriving self esteem and self worth – his various successful “doings”, the loss of which fed his depression and despair—to seeing that he now carried worthy gifts that derived from his “being”, his essence. Gifts such as patience, tolerance, faith, love, kindness, compassion, generosity, caring, courage and grace.

Realizing that he could offer his “Being-mode” gifts to others in meaningful ways gave Lee a new sense of purpose, identity and self-worth in realizing that he had a new and vital contributing role to play despite his limited physical mobility and memory difficulties. He went from feeling like a washed up, non-contributing old man, to a respected elder with purpose and meaning, available to share wisdom and resources with younger generations.

Lee then began to prepare for the second part of the Rites program – a gathering of family and friends invited to a Recognition Event to honor Lee, at which they would have opportunity to share how knowing him had impacted their life. It was explained to Lee that the event would also serve as a rite of passage leaving behind his old sense of self and stepping into his new identity as a contributing wisdom elder. Thus he needed to come up with a dramatic way – a poem, a song, a ritual, an experience he would take people through, to get his message across. Something that took him out of his comfort zone, testing his ability to bring it off. Every rite of passage has a test and this was to be Lee’s.

Close to ninety people from various communities and time frames of his Lee’s life gathered together at the big event. Lee began by welcoming people and sharing significant aspects of his life journey, then heard tender, humorous and touching Lee stories as people came forward to share their experiences of knowing him.

The second part of the evening Lee stepped forward to acknowledge his losses, then proudly take ownership of his gifts and put forth his vision for his future. He led everyone in a drumming ritual, then gave a heart-felt blessing prayer for everyone’s well-being. He pushed through his comfort zone announcing that he was now available to be called on whenever anyone was going through a rough time and needed a supportive prayer or blessing. This was the gift Lee had to offer that shifted him from feeling worthless to positive feelings of worth and purpose serving others.

He shared his epitaph, crafted into a song whose closing refrain acknowledged the essence of Lee’s growth through the Recognition Rite process – “No longer needing to be somebody, now I can just be me!” Everyone joined hands to sing the song in a closing ceremony which turned into a standing ovation for Lee.

Lee was a new person. No longer a suffering, depressed old man, he was now a publicly affirmed wisdom elder, proud and happy in his new role. He’d crossed a bridge into the role of a community resource ready to serve his people. Lee wasn’t done with his life. He was just getting started! At a follow-up session examining how to build on the event experience, Lee shared his written assessment of the Recognition Rite program.

“Dear Tom: I’m holding great Gratitude for this marvelous experience. My preparation for the event was a TOTALLY EXCELLENT experience for me. I loved the process! Absolutely self- revealing, providing a fuller understanding of my personal richness. The sessions were amazing! Through them I was able to unearth, discuss and understand my journey in greater detail, understanding myself (and appreciating myself) more fully.

Lee’s wife reported – “Lee and I want you to know how much this ceremony meant to us, and all who were invited. You helped make this one of the most memorable days of our life
together. Thank you for helping Lee see how very important his “being” state is—-how much you acknowledged and appreciated his elderhood—–helping him realize the special gifts he has developed and can give to others.

People in the audience were impacted in a healing and inspirational way by the Recognition event as well. Lee’s experience enabled them to see aging and older people in a new and positive light. A seed was planted for a new vision of aging. A retired nurse reported the experience as “one of the most positive, uplifting, emotionally satisfying celebrations I have ever witnessed. I wish for this special gift to be bestowed on many more people and also for myself.”

The Recognition Rites Program helps people create rituals in alignment with their deepest core values, their sense of mission and purpose, their highest vision of who they are and why they are here, and how to best use the gift of longevity in their quest for fulfillment.

Tom Pinkson, Ph.D., is a transpersonal psychologist in private practice, coach, mentor, ceremonial retreat and vision quest leader, author, musician, sacred storyteller, keynote speaker, and shamanic initiate. He helped start the second Hospice program in the United States and worked for thirty-two years with terminally ill children and their families at the Center for Attitudinal Healing in California. He is author of Fruitful Aging: Finding the Gold in the Golden Years, and several other books. Tom can be reached at tompinkson@gmail.com.

Eldering: The Moonlight Years

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By Nancy Hemesath

During this time of year when darkness takes a larger proportion of our days, I find myself wanting to skip the winter months and get right into spring. It is a good thing I do not have the power and means to make this happen! Winter has its own importance to give life. Without it my life and all of nature would be diminished. This is true both literally and figuratively.

Light and darkness are complementary, the yin and yang of life. Light would have no meaning without darkness and vice-versa. The balance creates wholeness. Nature demonstrates this as the trees through their roots bulk up on the soil’s nutrients and water during the winter months so they will have enough energy to grow buds and leaves in the spring. Hibernation of some animals is another example of nature’s way of enabling survival and wholeness. Bears reduce body temperature, heart rate, breathing and consciousness in order to survive the harsh winter conditions and lack of food. It is their annual rest period.

We humans mimic the pattern of hibernation by spending more time indoors with furnaces and fireplaces blazing. Physical activity is reduced, especially in the Third Chapter, and we find more sedentary ways to spend our time. The pace is less hectic and we enjoy the quiet and the solitude.

To counter my initial emotional response to winter, I reflect on the aspects I really enjoy. At this time of year, I pull out my jigsaw puzzle board and enjoy many challenging hours of assembling 1,000 piece pictures at a time. Another highlight of the winter months for me is watching basketball. I not longer attend the games in person but I schedule the times to watch them on television. It is fun to have a favorite team to follow! Maybe best of all is cuddling up with a good book when one is not tempted to go outside.

While we tend to identify winter with darkness, light is also an essential aspect of the season. Moonlight is to winter what sunlight is summer. Subconsciously or consciously, the sun promotes wakefulness, action, energy, and productivity. Moonlight, on the other hand, softens the gaze and promotes rest, gentleness, deep listening and peace. Some archetypes associate the sunlight with the masculine and the moonlight with the feminine. Of course, it is stereotypical to assume only men carry the masculine traits and women the feminine since both men and women carry both to varying degrees. There is a need for both in every whole person. The masculine or sunlight doers would be little more than workaholics without reflection. The feminine of moonlight people would reflect and rest but get little accomplished. I don’t know any person who is exclusively one or the other. As in all of nature, life only works if we have a balance of both.

Another archetype of the life cycle is the four seasons. Spring represents youth and summer is full, generative adulthood. Autumn is the time of harvest of the completed season and the slowing down of activity. Winter is the time of facing mortality as we do in our elder years.

Seeing the elder years as the moonlight years illustrates some of the importance of this time. It is not a time without light but a time to gaze upon our lives with gentleness. It is time to let go of the glare of self-reproach, regrets and judgements. Flaws disappear in the softened light of the moon. We are able to see what is significant and release the rest

It is in the moonlight that we spend time reflecting on our memories. We see what has contributed to our lives to make us who are have become. We cherish the gifts of relationships, shared experiences, family time, and enjoyable days. When regrets and old hurts emerge, we look at them without harshness but with “the eyes of kindness” for ourselves and others.

The moonlight years lend themselves to reflection on the most important life questions, such as…

Who are the people who have blessed my life? Have I told them? What highlight events have enriched my journey?
Where do I find beauty and goodness?
Have I forgiven all the old hurts and thus healed relationships? Have I forgiven myself for my shortcomings?

Who has loved me and whom have I loved?

Reviewing our lives with soft twilight or reverent candlelight prepares us to complete our lives with grace, whatever losses and sufferings we may face. The moonlight can shine through the windows of our inner lives, bringing gentle, soothing light into dark rooms.

Nancy Hemesath is retired from non-profit leadership, spending her Third Chapter as a life coach. Encore Coaching specializes in supporting people in finding meaning, purpose and joy in post-retirement years. She offers personal coaching, presentations, workshops, book studies and Wisdom Circles. She can be reached
at nanhemesath@gmail.com.

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Gratitude for My Lifetime of Spiritual Deepening

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by Bob Calhoun

On my 74th birthday, I received a card and package from a life-long friend. The card read, “Dear Bob, Once upon a time we were fostered and enriched by books by Tillich, Bonhoeffer, Maslow, John O’Donohue, Phillip Newell, Frederick Buechner, David Whyte, Frost, and Richard Schwartz. They were tools of knowledge that we used when we were young. But those times have passed. We need new literature to help us deal with the new challenges we face as we age. I hereby gift to you the tools you will need going forward. Happy birthday.”

Opening the package, to my surprise, I found more than a half dozen children’s books including the titles Frog and Toad are Friends, The Rabbit Listened, Blueberries for Sal and Nobody Hugs a Cactus. I am sure my friend was clearing out books his grandchildren had ‘outgrown’, and they will be great additions to my grandchildren’s bookshelf. But the message that jumped out to me became quite clear: On this elder journey, having been blessed to still be alive, we are being called to let go, to return to the deepest parts of our true self, to what many call the great not-knowing.

Many of the great spiritual paths speak of developing the beginner’s mind or seeing like children see, where the miracle and mystery of life can be fully experienced. In this latter stage of life, we are drawn spiritually downward toward the True Self where a lifetime of gained wisdom and perspective merge with the simplicity and awe of the uncluttered child mind—where each moment, each new day is a new adventure to be cherished, waiting in anticipation of the next miracle to emerge before us. It is a path of letting go (of ego, striving, fear, self-protection) and living more in the present, aware of our connection with all things living and not living, and staying open to the gift that each moment offers…and the first words spoken each day are words of gratitude.

My spiritual work over a lifetime not only brings me ‘back home’ to a calm center, but comes as well to my aid as I enter and embrace this elder time in my life and face the many challenges of aging and embrace more fully my mortality. A deep spiritual center offers me a space in which to step back. At a cancer support group I recently attended, a line from a John Bell hymn (‘We Cannot Measure How You Heal’) was shared by a fellow group member and caught my attention: “Lord, let your Spirit meet us here…to disentangle peace from pain, and make Your broken people whole.”

Disentangle peace from pain…the pain from loss of loved ones, of abilities, of opportunities and anticipated losses to come. Disentangle peace from fear of the unknown, depression, anxiety, physical discomfort from illness My spiritual space offers a perspective of the larger view and the impermanence of my life journey. The various ‘pains’ are never eliminated but my spiritual center, my soul, is the place within where solace can be found, wisdom and loving presence can be felt and shared with others, as I continue to engage in the gift of life.

Another birthday gift I received was from my wife, a gray t-shirt with the following phrase printed on the front in large, bold, black letters: “Do The Work”. Our spiritual nature and knowing are gifts with which we were born. They have always been a deep part within me. Even though there are times over my lifetime when I have been surprised by insights and truths, moved by coincidences, taken to new places by a Something I cannot explain, I still need to “do the work’ to nurture my spiritual center, my soul, my True Self. The work is varied, from silent reflection, meditation, and writing, to long walks in the forest, sharing honestly with others…and staying open to the wisdom that comes out of my ‘dark nights of the soul’. But it is work well worth my efforts on this Elder Journey.

I end with a poem I wrote during a Conscious Eldering retreat in the desert at Ghost Ranch.

Receiver of Doubt

Spirit of the East
for the transforming power of your presence,
I am forever thankful

I entrust in you, the doubts that block my eldering journey

into your care
they are lifted by gusts
of evening wind beyond the towering red walls

I now embrace my truth and doubt myself no more: free to live and walk the Elder Journey

Bob Calhoun is a retired counseling psychologist and passionate writer of poetry about the human spirit, who lives in Fort Collins, Colorado. He can be contacted at calhonfc@aol.com.

The Journey of Conscious Aging: Reflections and Insights from an Irish Psychotherapist

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by Martina Breen

One of the most significant cultural transitions around the world is the demographic shift in many counries toward an older population, with a declining birthrate and people living longer than ever before. This evolving ageing population presents both challenges and opportunities. The challenges can appear daunting, and receive much more attention than do the opportunities. In this article I write about the possibilities for personal and cultural enrichment that lie before us if we are willing to stretch our thinking and embrace an evolving new understanding of the gifts of the ageing process.

Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, author of From Age-ing to Sage-ing, poses the question of why should we live beyond the time of begetting and raising our children? He goes on to state: “ If we do live longer, then nature must have a task. There must be a purpose. The purpose is to hothouse consciousness, generation by generation; so that the older generation can transmit something to the younger.”

So, while ageing is a natural process that does indeed involve physical changes and a gradual decline in physical abilities, Eldering or Sage-ing, on the other hand, is an intentional approach to aging that involves actively seeking out opportunities for growth and transformation in life’s later chapters. It’s about getting older with intentionality, resilience, and grace. It involves not only addressing the physical and mental aspects of aging, but also the spiritual aspects such as finding meaning and purpose in the lives we have lived, as well as exploring and visioning the rich possibilities for the time we have left. Rather than viewing ageing as a period of decline and loss, it can be a time to look at it as a unique and precious opportunity for growth, wisdom, and personal transformation.

Rather than allowing ourselves to just grow old, we can make a decision in late midlife to intentionally envision and work toward a new life stage—a conscious elderhood.

This approach to healthy aging aligns with the wisdom shared in Reb Zalman’s book and Ron Pevny’s Conscious Living, Conscious Aging, along with books like Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. They each offer us profound lessons about the value of inner growth, personal transformation, and the importance of having a sense of community as we grow into our elder years.

A key message in these and many other empowering writings about ageing is that as we need to let go of being an adolescent to become an adult, likewise to become an elder we need to have completed our adulting. Elderhood is a distinct phase of life, given to us by the grace of longevity. There is a newfound freedom in embracing our age—choosing to live consciously and intentionally. By modelling conscious aging and embodying its principles in our own lives, we can inspire the people in our lives to do the same and create a more compassionate and fulfilling world for ourselves and others.

Ron’s book is a guidebook in exploring the aging process with awareness, curiosity, and purpose. He writes extensively around the personal and spiritual growth that occurs as we age and he models his own teaching in his own personal life. He says that this growth that’s available to us as we age is not necessarily a given; it requires a deliberate effort to engage with our own aging process and to cultivate qualities like self-awareness, resilience, and wisdom.

He teaches that conscious eldering involves several key practices. One is self-reflection, which involves taking time to reflect on our life experiences, our values, and our goals for the future. Another is community-building, which involves connecting with others who share our interests and values, and who can support us on our journey of growth. Another practice is commitment to service, which involves using our skills and experience to make a positive impact in our communities and the world at large.

I experienced these teachings first hand by attending Ron’s Choosing Conscious Elderhood Retreat at Ghost Ranch, New Mexico, in May of this year. Ron and co-facilitator Barbara Roth skilfully created a safe holding space for 13 elder questors. We met on a Sunday afternoon at this magnificent high desert retreat center in New Mexico and with a deepening process of exploring, reflecting and sharing, we created a community that was the lived experience of conscious eldering. In our week together, we learned experientially that when we connect with others and share our interests and our values, when we have community time and solo time, when we have ample time in nature to learn from Mother Earth, and when we connect through ritual and ceremony, we create a rich fertile ground where we meet the deeper parts of ourselves. And when we are connected to ourselves, we naturally look to see how we can serve others.

The need for wise elderhood in our current world of crisis cannot be overstated. In modern society, the value of elders has been diminished, along with their voices. The cultural narrative too often focuses on youth, and the value of experience and wisdom is overlooked. Many older adults have negative beliefs about aging, such as feeling that they are less valued or less capable as they get older.

The voices of our elders need to be reclaimed and supported. Most of us are well aware that ageing can come with significant life transitions such as retirement, changes in health, loss of sense of meaning and purpose in life, and loss of loved ones, and that these are often accompanied by emotional challenges such as grief, anxiety, or depression. We need to be reminded that the conscious elders of any community have developed a unique set of skills, knowledge, and wisdom about how to negotiate transitions, to develop resilience, and to deal with emotional and spiritual challenges, that can guide all of us towards a better future.

The elders are the ones who have lived through the ups and downs of life, accumulated a wealth of knowledge, and gained invaluable insights that can guide society through these challenging times. They possess a level of wisdom that can only be acquired through years of life experience, and it is this wisdom that is sorely needed by contemporary society, and perhaps most of all by young people, our future, whose world views are shaped by what they see modelled by the adults and elders around them.

I do believe that the United States has progressed in this area. In western Europe, where I live, it is time for us to finally acknowledge, not only the value of our elders, but to endeavour to grow into elderhood ourselves. As a psychotherapist, I’m acutely aware that it’s important that I become a conscious elder myself, in order to better support conscious aging in my clients.

We helpers, are in a unique position to model conscious aging for our clients by embodying the principles of conscious aging in our own lives. It is necessary for us to continue to grow and develop, not just as professionals, but as ageing human beings. Only when much greater numbers

of us value ourselves as elders, will humanity truly harness the power of wisdom to create a more just, equitable, and sustainable world for all.

Martina Breen, M.A. is a Gestalt Psychotherapist, Supervisor, Spiritual Director and a Certified Sage-ing Leader (CSLÒ) She works in private practice in Ireland and internationally facilitates programmes on conscious living, ageing and dying . She will be co-facilitating a Choosing Conscious Elderhood with Ron Pevny in Kiltegan, County Wicklow, Ireland September 11 – 17. There are three spaces still available. For retreat details, visit the Ireland retreat page.

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Notes from an Elder Nomad 


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By Kris Govaars

Elder: a person who has attained both a greater age and has developed wisdom and personal qualities that serve both their own fulfillment and the greater community.

Nomad: a person who moves from place to place – physically, mentally, and/or spiritually.

Picture in your mind a timeline marked off from January to December. Now, put a dot on the corresponding month for each of the following: I am in the October of my life – my mother-in-law is in the December of her life – my grandchildren are in their January – and my children – now grown – are in the May of their lives. Can you picture it? The visual is simple yet so profound and insightful into the stages of life we all go through – for me – this was an awakening. Putting those I love in the context of time was a powerful reminder that at any moment we may face the reality of our mortality.

“The real action of discovery consists not in finding new lands but in seeing with new eyes.” Marcel Proust

In May of this year (2022) I turned 70 – the day after attending a week long Choosing Conscious Elderhood retreat in Abiquiu, New Mexico. It was held at Ghost Ranch, facilitated by Ron Pevny and Dennis Stamper, of the Center for Conscious Eldering. With my fellow Intrepid Elders, this was an opportunity to slow down, focus on myself, and celebrate the next stage of my life—a Rite of Passage signifying elderhood that I had anticipated embarking on for well over a year, stalled by the pandemic, until we could gather on site as a group. Would it be worth the wait?

We live in a world that judges our success or failure by speed and achievements – no matter whether they are worthy or not. I had been so busy making things happen in my life – being somebody that was respected in my profession and by my family that I had little time to think about the value of what was happening. When I stripped off the proverbial coat and tie with all that went with that former part of my life, the busyness of my life, I came face to face with – me. When I looked in the mirror I wasn’t really sure whom I was seeing.

Truth is I have been working on shedding my professional life and practice of advising, coaching and facilitating for quite some time in various ways – I designed a website, I read book after book, I attended seminars, I listened to Podcasts, and I wrote in my journal whenever time allowed. Yet, every so often I would stop and wonder – Whom do I see when I look at me? Who am I really? What do others see in me? And, wrapped around all these questions was why this urgency to find out? Why does it matter in October since all the other months are gone and I never gave them their due reflection? Something was happening here and it wasn’t exactly clear; I was willing to find out.

In an instant I found myself standing alone with my toes curled over the edge of an abyss – my former self looking at me. And, as I stand here on the edge of seventy – I ask myself – what is it I want to know? Where do I go next on this journey? I came to realize my problem was not figuring out what to do next or how to shake off this feeling – the problem was and continues to be finding the strength and courage to do what I know is right for me. It is easy to go along with other people’s opinions, to ask others what they would do . It is harder to go against matters of value, principles we honor for ourselves. And, as much as I would like to go along with the idea of universal principles or community values , they still need to ring true for me and each of us as unique individuals to be meaningful and support us in body, mind and spirit.

If you cannot control the rising tides of change, would it make sense to build a better boat?

To support my journey – I created a website – Elder Nomad (https://www.eldernomad.com) to keep notes on what has meaning and heart for me. I created a poster – Elder Spirit for the same reason and I write notes to myself to sort out the conflicts, confusions that inevitably show up from time to time. I remind myself that what I imagine I create, what I feel I attract and what I think I become. There are many tools for getting at important principles when appropriate. I have used many and hold some for later work. Among these are: legacy letters, death lodge meditation, life review, ten intentions, notes to yourself, lifeline discovery, reframing, healing the past, accepting mortality, letting go. It is important to find the ones that work for you at the right time.

When I look back at my former life I see conflicting goals, questionable strategies, and forced tactics to rationalize many of my actions that were often emotionally harmful. I believe what truly differentiates authentic individuals is their adherence to inner values, not those meant for others to hear. How people actually live their lives, what I would call values in action, are key. I have to work on it continuously – finding my way through my messy life – and I continue to struggle with it. I am grateful for the signposts I have on my journey.

The retreat happened at the right time for me. Everyone participating went through a change, some more profound than others. It was so palpable you could feel the shift in energy after the solo journeys. What each of us had in common was the change we felt but with change comes transition. Our transitions are different. The difference is the speed and dynamics as we each go through our own unique transitions. Change is an event, transitions are a different sort.

It may seem callous for me to speak in the first person and not the third person but each of us must accept our journey. It is ours alone. And though we can explore where others have been, we are unique in our own right. I have little to impart as “you must do this” or “here’s the path you should take” because it isn’t that easy and that would be presumptuous of me. I had spent many years in a practice where telling others what to do was part of the job. And yet, when I honestly reviewed my life and looked at the lives of other advice givers I have known, I began to question whether I and they were actually living what we have preached. This is not a criticism or indictment of myself; the coaching, advising, facilitation was good for the most part. It is an awareness I have now as an increasingly conscious elder nomad in the October of my life of the importance of coming to truly know my own needs and inner dynamics.

In trusting yourself on this journey, which is yours alone, you live your values as best you can and in so doing become a positive example for others you meet. I remind myself often “it is what it is” and “if it’s to be it’s up to me. As a conscious Elder Nomad, every moment is a lifetime. None of these moments will be repeated and there will come a time when memories fade and what is left is now – this time – this place – this moment. I try hard to simply be myself and hope that is enough to make a positive difference for myself and in those I meet. And, if you think about it, you meet yourself every day. So I ask myself: what difference do I intend to make in my life each moment?

Trust this journey…trust yourself…allow it to happen…with an open mind and an open heart.

Kris Govaars curates the Elder Nomad website www.eldernomad.com and can be reached at svengovaars@gmail.com – He attended a Choosing Conscious Elderhood retreat at Ghost Ranch in Abiquiu, New Mexico in May, 2022.

Facing Mortality, Embracing Life

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By Bob Calhoun

“Life is short…and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love, make haste to be kind.”( Henri-Frederic Amiel 1821-1881)

Last week I waited patiently at a familiar intersection for the light to turn green. As it did, I took my foot off the brake pedal moving slowly forward, looking left, then right, then left again … a driver came barreling around the bend and through the intersection at 45 MPH seemingly without a clue that the light had turned or that there was a traffic light at all. I took a deep breath… and proceeded with my left turn. Dodged that bullet.

Three years ago, having just turned 70, the doctors said I had one to three years to live. Small cell carcinoma, stage IV. Chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries and ongoing immunotherapy. It has been three years now. I anticipate each upcoming scan. My oncologist says I’m an outlier.

Of what have I been reminded … about this life in all my hours, days and now years of visiting the cancer center?

Life is short … for all of us. We know the number of years lived varies for each of us. I am reminded of my middle daughter dying at 10 1/2 months…my nephew’s young wife dying at age 32 of brain cancer. We each have our own list of losses. However, for many of us, we are able to measure our lives in decades…life on an elder journey, having been blessed with time, relationship, compassion received, opportunity , food, shelter, and quality medical care.

Of what have I been reminded?

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don’t go back to sleep
You must ask for what you really want
Don’t go back to sleep!
People are going back and forth
Across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,
The door is round and open
Don’t go back to sleep!” (Rumi 1207-1273)

Rumi was not dealing with speeding automobiles, stop lights or the over abundance of digital interactions… yet much the same, with daily routine and distractions, physical vulnerability, plagues, violence and securing the basic necessities of life. But even in his day, he speaks of how easy it is to miss the mystery and miracle of life.

Stay awake….don’t get drawn back into the unawareness…ask for what you really want and follow the prompts that call you to be yourself….now. We can easily forget the deep center of self and this amazing life flow of which we are all apart. We must stay awake, Rumi reminds us, to see the beauty, the mystery, the connections and coincedences that surround us and come upon us daily.

Don’t go back to sleep.

Of what have I been reminded as time has been abruptly brought back into focus?

We do not pass this way again. What a gift to have lived into the last third of life, to receive from and offer to others compassion. Be present, love deeply, be real, give of your true self, respond to your gift calling from within and have the courage to follow its path. Many events and circumstances can wake us up, help us refocus. Yet it doesn’t have to be a speeding car, or a cancer diagnosis. It can be the discipline of quiet, focus and intentional action. A Conscious Eldering retreat was for me a wonderful example of an exercise of awakening into the ‘now’ of this life while we still are alive and vital.

“Listen to your life. All moments are key moments. Life itself is grace.” (Frederick Buechner 1926-2022).

Of what have I been reminded?

Life is Short …be swift to love, make hast to be kind…
The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you, don’t go back to sleep…
Listen to your life… all moments are key moments… life itself is grace.

Be grateful to be on the journey.

Bob Calhoun is a retired counseling psychologist living in Fort Collins, Colorado and a past Center for Conscious Eldering retreat participant. Bob is the author of Twenty Acres Deep, Poems and Reflections from the Rocky Mountains. His book is available at oldfirehousebooks.com or by contacting Bob at bob@bobcalhounpsychologist.com