by Anne Wennhold
I began entering what I consider the elder years of my life at about 83 or 84 years of age. It was around that time I felt a new awareness permeate my being. It seemed there was a subtle shift in energy as delicate yet as momentous as a turn of the tide when there is no outward evidence of change. Instinctively, I knew this was not a medical issue.
Malcom Gladwell wrote a book called The Tipping Point in which he details how situations can add up so incrementally as to be almost unnoticeable until they get past the point of no return. As far as my elderhood goes, the Tipping Point was when I realized the focus of my life had turned from the outer to the inner life. Not an easy part of the journey. It’s generally agreed that Elderhood begins at retirement, about 70 years of age. Not in my book!
The 70’s and early 80s were the best and most active years of my life! Newly released from work that was never my career choice, I dove into the delight of doing things I loved, especially of facilitating workshops and therapy groups.
During that time, I worked with Ron Pevny in the Choosing Conscious Elderhood Retreats learning about specific inner practices that are life enhancing to all age groups and of particular help in the later aging processes. The tools include examining our years in life review, appreciating the best ones, identifying our regrets, learning to let go, to forgive, and defining and acknowledging our legacy for now and in the future.
Combining these with meditation, ceremony, and celebration of nature’s flow of seasons. I savored the way this combination of elements provided an underlying purpose for the continued inner growth that was a lifelong goal of mine.
So, in gradual compliance with the inner signal for change, and rather like a large passenger liner slowing to align itself with the dock ahead, the momentum of my fulfilling outer lifestyle began to alter its course.
Physical changes came first, incrementally narrowing the scope of outer life. Arthritis was hardly a ripple on the early tidal switch. It crept into my knees rendering them unreliable at odd moments. Then neuropathy and hip operation changes added their vibrational energies until there came a day I could not manage well without a cane which I wanted desperately to ignore. Its presence signaled a demeaning assault on my independence!
Then macular degeneration, a family legacy, made its appearance, and forbade driving at night. And did I tell you about the hearing aids? They help but only in smaller group situations.
However, as the Tipping Point of doors to the active outer world shut down behind me, it came time to move to an apartment with an elevator and inside parking. A change of environment was in order.
The new apartment is not the place of my dreams. It is in a good location and is perfect for my physical needs. In reality it is a nice place but I have not yet made friends with it. I miss my old home with its windows framing the sunshine, the moonrise, and trees changing colors each season.
Then there are the social changes of aging which continue to narrow my outer world. Recently the years’ long group of 7 friends fell apart as one by one they died or moved away to be near their children.
The gradual loss of the customary meetings and reassurance of my value to this circle of friends, now gone, leaves me bereft. I am lonely and at times long for a hug from one of those who knew me well. It’s hard to make new friends when distance and energy are limiting factors for others as well as yourself.
By now the Tipping Point has docked, its ropes carefully but firmly looped about the stanchions on shore. The focus of my aging life has completed it turn from focus on the outer life to concentration on the inner.
Body maintenance requires much time but is clearly necessary to survival. I resent the time it takes to get up and get dressed in the morning. Taking a shower has become a major event fraught with safety concerns. Careful attention accompanies any turns around the kitchen to avoid a sudden fall. And I am always planning ahead for a convenient bathroom.
I resent the onslaught of technology and its long tentacles sucking me into its maw. Once I sat in my car where nobody could hear me scream my rage at the relentless havoc with which automation was swallowing the world I knew.
Later I realized I was also furious about aging and feeling ‘left behind’ in so many ways: the travel, theater and museum outings which I so relished in earlier years, now require more energy to get there, let alone navigate being there, than is worth the effort.
A good day includes an interesting book and creative play with watercolors. A great day involves facilitating my growth-oriented discussion group or my writing group on Zoom. An excellent day is lunch with friends who have traveled some distance to get here.
Then there is the grey day when sitting by the window, the grief for loss of my younger self and her love of an active life flows with the rain.
By these admissions you will see that I have not yet achieved the honored summit of elderhood: a pinnacle titled Acceptance: which means that one has come to terms with the reality of what ‘is’ rather than what one would like it to be.
At 90 years of age, I’m working on that. During morning meditation. I light a candle and read from the poets or spiritual masters to seek their perspective on being a traveler in this complex world. Or I simply review my own up-coming challenges of the day and ask for spiritual assistance in living it.
But here’s one of the of the best parts of this journey into aging. I have found a new friend after all! Myself!
Suddenly I see that she is a stronger, more complex person than I gave her credit for being. I admit that it is somewhat of a time-consuming process to get to know her better for up to now I’ve mainly acknowledged the parts of her life I found acceptable while ignoring the habits and attitudes that irritate me.
However now that I take the time to sit with her and really listen as she reviews her life, I find I can help her uncover the sources of the regrets and the resources she has had to bring success to her past and future lives.
As we dialog together, we have become very close, deepening our relationship by consciously employing the tools and practices taught in our conscious eldering retreats.
Such ongoing work is like fitting puzzle pieces together to make a holographic image that is greater than the sum of its parts. It is sometimes a painful job. Ultimately though it is a most satisfactory experience.
And so it is that I feel I have successfully navigated what I call the Tipping Point of aging. As my outer life has narrowed, my inner life has expanded. And, as I work toward Acceptance, I find I have the welcome companionship of myself with myself on this journey.
For age is opportunity no less than youth itself, though in another dress. And as the evening twilight fades away, the sky is filled with stars invisible by day. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Anne Wennhold, Choosing Conscious Elderhood Guide Emeritus, co-led retreats for 20 years for the Center for Conscious Eldering. Anne is currently exploring and sharing with her Zoom groups the spiritual and navigational terrain of later elderhood. Her background with Shamanic Journey training and certification in Counseling support her work in the aging community. She is available for individual counseling. Anne can be reached at annewennhold@gmail.com
