by Melissa Richardson
As we get older, many of us look for ways to contribute. For elders, mentoring is one of the most rewarding and purposeful roles we can play. It’s how we turn our lived experience into something that matters beyond us —how we steward wisdom, not just accumulate it
But some elders are reluctant to lean in to mentoring. They associate being a mentor with doling out advice. This is not wrong—it’s just a very narrow view of what it means to be a mentor. So, they miss out on one of the most important and purposeful roles we can play.
Today, there are many definitions of mentoring. EMCC Global (the European Mentoring and Coaching Council, a global organization despite the name) defines mentoring this way:
“Mentoring is a learning relationship, involving the sharing of skills, knowledge, and expertise between a mentor and mentee through developmental conversations, experience sharing, and role modelling. The relationship may cover a wide variety of contexts and is an inclusive two-way partnership for mutual learning that values differences.”
We can think of mentoring as a relationship in a formal sense, where there is a mentor and a mentee (the recipient of mentoring) with clearly defined roles and expectations. I’ve participated in many mentoring programs and still enjoy ongoing contact with many of the people I have been matched with. But like me, you have probably accumulated several mentees through your life, some of whom may not even realise that they were being mentored. Perhaps intuitively, you adopted a mentoring style that meant you were walking alongside them, helping them find their own answers instead of telling them what to do.
I’ve spent three decades researching mentoring, educating and teaching mentors and mentees the art of mentoring. I’ve come to understand that how you are being has far greater impact than what you do or say as a mentor. You can learn the skills of listening, asking good questions, guiding and respectful challenging, all of which masterful mentors do. I can teach you when to hold back on advice and when to share a story instead. Techniques and tools have their place, but they can never take the place of genuine human connection. It’s the mentor’s presence—their way of being, their mindset, the quality of attention they bring—that creates the fertile ground for growth to the person being helped.
In my research, people who were described as great mentors shared these qualities— they were:
- Curious
- Warm, empathetic and approachable
- Humble
- Authentic
- Self-aware
- Trustworthy
- Inspiring
- Present
- Patient
Elders who mentor do more than transfer knowledge; they model a way of being—calm, compassionate, and unhurried. In a fast, fragmented, unpredictable world, that presence itself is healing.
Mentoring was a vital function of elders in ancient cultures. Grandmothers were often the primary storytellers, passing down myths, legends, and family history. This role helped preserve cultural identity and values across generations. They taught young people essential life skills and were educators, leaders, and bridges to cultural and spiritual heritage. Their wisdom and guidance shaped not just families, but entire communities.
Grandfathers played a crucial role in mentoring young men, teaching them how to navigate adult responsibilities, leadership, and societal expectations. In some cultures, grandfathers led or participated in rites of passage, such as coming-of-age ceremonies, to prepare boys for manhood.
Today, we’ve lost many of these traditions, leaving younger generations to navigate critical life transitions alone. Young people are adrift, with soaring rates of anxiety and depression. Many of them lack the grounding presence of elders to anchor them. I fear for our young.
Answer the call to mentor
In her 2023 book Who Do We Choose To Be?, Margaret Wheatley said “This is the Age of Threat, when everything we encounter intensifies fear and anger. In survival mode, we flee from one another, abandon values that held us together, withdraw from ideas and practices that encouraged inclusion and created trust in leaders. And, most harmfully, we stop believing in one another.”
As mentors we can guide, role model, inspire, and lead young people to keep believing in themselves and one another. I believe it’s time to reclaim the elder mentoring role. Younger generations need us. We can help them prepare for what many now believe will be a turbulent and challenging future.
Start with grandchildren
You can volunteer as a mentor in a mentoring program for youth, but a great place to start is with your own grandchildren, and, if you don’t have grandkids, then perhaps by mentoring other young people in your extended family. Adopting a mentoring style with grandkids means:
- Finding ways to be the solid, reliable person that the grandchild wants to talk to.
- Creating learning opportunities through demonstration of skills, sometimes in the moment.
- Guiding through sharing of experiences and stories.
- Giving a grandchild a sense of where they fit in the family by explaining who extended family members are and how the child fits, belongs and is special.
- Walking the talk—showing grandchildren what they believe in, not just talking about it.
- Helping to give grandchildren a sense of perspective—to see the bigger picture that an elder can see through the wisdom of age.
- Helping grandchildren grow in self-confidence, to trust their own decision-making and to tread their own path, no matter what friends or social media may encourage.
- Being a sounding board for ideas the grandchild wants to develop.
- Encouraging grandchildren to try new things and strive for what’s important to them.
- Being curious and asking questions that encourage reflection and develop critical thinking.
You may have noticed that the definition of mentoring I offered includes the concept of two-way learning. There is significant reward in mentoring grandchildren—not just watching them develop and grow but learning from them as well.
The unique benefit of mentoring in the family
I mentioned earlier that a great many young people today lack the grounding presence of elders. In modern life, we are disconnected from the very things that used to anchor us—community life, family and cultural traditions, the natural world. I advocate for elders to take a mentoring approach with their grandchildren or young family members because they are in uniquely positioned to pass on family traditions, values and stories. You may be surprised to learn that knowing one’s family history is a protective factor for wellbeing, contributing to resilience, higher self-esteem and lower anxiety. This is because family stories expand our sense of self to a multi-generational one—we understand that we come from the kind of family that would do X, Y or Z. Family stories help people see where they fit in the timeline and gives a sense of belonging.
So, embrace your inner mentor. Don’t wait to be asked. It’s never too early or too late to start. Nudge your approach with young people towards a mentoring style, one step at a time. You’ll be so glad you did.
Melissa Richardson is an Australian writer, researcher and internationally-recognised specialist in mentor training and mentoring program design. With her eldest son, she co-founded Art of Mentoring, which today is one of the world’s leading mentoring software platforms. With post-graduate qualifications in counselling, organizational coaching and coaching supervision, she is currently writing a book for grandparents, provisionally called,
12 Things Your Grandchildren Will Need to Thrive: The Roots And Wings Guide To Mentoring the Next Generation. She can be reached by email at melissa@melissa-richardson.com or through her website https://www.melissa-richardson.com/
